I love it when my friend Marianne is willing to trek across campus in the middle of the night to hear about what I'm struggling with.
I love it when Cassie is willing to cancel all her plans that day just so she can sit next to me and be there with me without saying a word.
I love it when I receive letters from my friend Analisa all the way from Minnesota.
With all this being said, it makes sense that my greatest fear is to NOT belong. I am afraid to be left out and alone. I am afraid of not being included. So, when I entered Butler University freshmen year, I joined every possible extracurricular activity I loved. I joined the NCAA Butler Swim Team, I joined Young Life, and I joined the Physician Assistant Club. Later that year, I decided to rush and become a part of Tri Delta. And the year after, I decided to become a Resident Assistant (RA).
Joining all these organizations meant that I was a PART of something. It meant that I belonged.
My swim team became a family to me and so did my Young Life team.
My sisters in Tri Delta looked out for me the way a family does.
My RA staff supported me during times when I was struggling.
Little did I know, I think God had something more planned. Within the span of two years, I found myself needing to give up my identity as a swimmer and stop swimming on the Butler swim team. I discovered that I had stretched myself too thin, especially becoming an RA, and had to give up being a part of Tri Delta. During the process, my grades suffered and I found myself no longer qualified to continue being a Physician Assistant major. And very recently, I had to make the decision to stop being a Young Life leader in order to focus more on my studies. Next year, I will be living off campus and will no longer be an RA.
As I think about all the things that I've had to give up over time, I remember how time and time again, I was reluctant to quit because I could not stand the thought of being on the outside. But amazingly, time and time again, I learned that my identity was not in the things I was involved in. Okay, I'm not gonna lie, it HURT to no longer be a part of those organizations. The precious relationships I had formed while I was a part of those organizations changed the second I quit--it was inevitable.
But the greatest lesson I learned through all of this was that my identity is found in Jesus. God was trying to tell me, "Eshan, stop trying to find your identity in these activities, clubs and organizations. You belong to ME."
When I was driving today, I was listening to the song "Lord, I'm amazed by You" and I could not stop the tears. These are the lyrics to that song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D9S86nMqaLg
You dance over me
while I am unaware
You sing all around
But I never hear the sound.
Lord, I'm amazed by You
Lord, I'm amazed by You
Lord, I'm amazed by You
how You love me
You paint the morning sky
With miracles in mind
My hope will always stand
For You hold me in Your hand
How wide, how deep
How great is Your love for me
How wide, how deep
How great is Your love for me
Lord, I'm amazed by You
Lord, I'm amazed by You
Lord, I'm amazed by You
how You love me, ohh.
I was overwhelmed because I feel like all my life, I've tried so hard to give people a reason to like me, give people a reason why I belong. Maybe if I'm funny enough, talented enough, fun enough, cool enough...they'd like me and want to hang out with me. But the cool thing about Jesus' love is that you don't have to be anything. In fact, I am everything BUT what I need to be. I am imperfect, I am unfaithful, I am selfish, I am weak, I make mistakes, I am a sinner. But Jesus sees ALL THAT and He says, "Eshan, I love YOU. I created you and you belong to me. Come and rest in my love."
Jesus accepts me and loves me with a love that is beyond description. On days when I feel like everything is falling apart, I bring all that before Him and tell Him all about it. At the end of journaling my prayer, my heart is at peace and I receive an odd satisfaction and joy. It's WEIRD. But like the song says, "how wide, how deep, how GREAT is God's love for me."
Friends, whenever you feel like you're not good enough or that you don't deserve to be love and cherished or you feel like you don't belong, just remember that
You were created to be loved.
You exist because of love.
There is a reason why you have the amazing and unique personality you have.
There is a reason why you laugh the way you do.
There is a reason why you have a love for the things you love.
There is a reason why your hair looks like that on a warm, humid day.
Someone loved you enough to craft every little detail about you. :)
My hope and prayer is that you don't find belonging and identity in anywhere or anyone other than Jesus.
"Anyone who does not love does not know God, because
God is love."
-1 John 4:8
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