"The lesson about letting go"

As many of you know, this past summer, I found out that I had lost my auto-advancement into the Physician Assistant Program. In one of my classes, I got a C- instead of a C, which I needed to stay in the program. This threw me into a state of questioning, Really, God? Another closed door?!

As I reflected on the past 3 years of my college career, it seemed like God kept telling me to let go of things--first the swim team, then Tri Delta, then Young Life, and then the Physician Assistant Program. Like I shared in a previous blog post, I learned that God was teaching me to find my identity in nothing except Him. With this motivation in mind, I followed hard after Him, trying to see where He is leading me now. Three months after he closed the door to the Physician Assistant Program, he placed a passion and calling in my heart to love on the abandoned orphans in China.

I got more and more excited as I researched more and talked about it more! I became more sure that this was what I wanted to do. But there was so much uncertainty still. I had changed majors from PA to Communication Sciences and Disorders but still had no idea how I could ever use that to help the orphans in China.

As I prayed hard for the Lord's plan for my life, doors began to open. I came across an article that talked about China's great need for Speech Language Pathologists, a friend got me connected with a woman Kelly Raudenbush who works closely with an orphanage in China; and then one day, my Chinese professor recommended that I apply for a Fulbright scholarship to study in China for 8 months.

The more I researched the Fulbright program, the more excited I got! I would be studying in the same city as the orphanage Kelly worked with! So, with only 8 days until the application deadline, I started working on the application. To my surprise, I was able to finish 8 essay questions, make a resume, send my transcript, get two reference letters, schedule a doctor's appointment and send my application package just in time for it to arrive on the due date.

Within three days, I found out that I got an interview. And in under 24 hours, the Lord opened the doors for me to get to Boston, Massachusetts for the interview. The trip to and back from Boston was one of the most incredible trips of my life. It was so last minute and because I had NOTHING planned in advance, I found myself praying for God's grace, having faith that somehow He would provide. And every time, He did.




He provided a place for me to stay at Boston for two nights for free.


He gave me a seat on the plane next to a CEO, who helped me practice for my interview.

He protected my road back to Indianapolis, where there were 81 tornado touchdowns in the path before me.

 

 

He provided friends who welcomed me into their homes and dorm rooms, and treated me to meals. There was NO question that He stood by my side every minute of the trip, providing for things I needed that I didn't even think of.

 

 

 

 

Two days after I returned to Indianapolis, I got an email congratulating me on receiving the Fulbright scholarship to study in China for 8 months! I was moved to tears. Why?

The last three years of learning to let go of so many things has been SO hard for me. The uncertainty, the poking at my pride, the discouragement--it ALL led me to this. Now, I'm not saying that everything in my life happened just so that I could receive this scholarship. But I am saying that sometimes God calls us to let go of things WE see as great opportunities so that we can trust that HE will open the door to something even greater. I have learned that when God wants to open doors, He WILL open doors. And the doors that He opens are often times waaaaay beyond what we could ever imagine.

 

Receiving this Fulbright was beyond what I could have ever imagined. This news brought me to tears because I realized how much God saw me. He saw my discouraged heart but He also saw my faith (even though it was little). He saw my desire to do what He wants to do with my life. He saw my obedience when He told me to let go of swim team, Tri Delta, Young Life, PA, and now with this program, I'll have to let go of RA and Butler and everything here in America. He heard me when I was crying out to Him to provide a way for me to go to Boston, MA for the interview.

Tears kept coming because at  this very moment, I realized what an amazing God I serve.

Tears came because I experienced the sovereign God at work.

Tears came because I have never felt Him provide for me so personally.

Tears came because God is SO good to me.

Tears came because I have experienced just how well God loves His children.

 

To be honest, I still lack so much faith. I know I do because leaving for 8 months scares me. I have to let go of everything I'm doing in America. I don't know any of the 16 students in my program. I don't know what church I'll be going to when I'm there. I don't know how hard the classes are going to be. But the second I start questioning and doubting, I have forgotten the lesson God has been trying to teach me.

 

The lesson about letting go is much more than just clubs, teams, and roles; it's about letting go of control and trusting in Him. 

 



I Believe in Dreaming

Today, I got to have coffee with Hannah! I loved hearing about her life, her struggles, how she faced them with courage and strength, but most of all, I loved hearing about her dreams. I love that Hannah listed off to me all the things that she wants to do in life, regardless of how impossible those things may be. :) 

 

I believe in dreaming. I believe that each and every person is created with unique and special gifts, talents and abilities that only he or she can use to the utmost. I believe that we all are capable of so much but instead, we settle for less—for the norm. We follow the crowd. We stop ourselves from saying something just because other people are giving us weird looks.

I believe that dreaming is so powerful. When you allow yourself to get carried away by your passions, you get excited.

 

Nowadays, you always hear people say things like “be realistic” or “is that actually possible?” People say that to be mature and grown up means to be practical and have a step by step plan. But I think these constrictions are holding back the many awesome things that could be happening every day. I think that as we grow up, there is always a valuable lesson we can learn from kids. How to dream.

 

When kids have an idea, they will talk on and on about it. Kids don’t let the practicality or the doubt or the possibility of it not happening stop them from wanting something. All they know is that they feel strongly about something and they will do everything in their power and ability to get it. Until then, the crazy ideas keep flooding in.

I think that each person has the potential to change the world in a radical way. But big and radical changes don’t start with being realistic. They start with dreaming. They start with finding what your heart is most passionate about, expanding every area of your mind and imagination, exhausting all options. Then going after it without holding back.

I have had enough with being so realistic and practical to the point where great movements and changes that this world could have had is suppressed. My dream is that I will one day start an orphanage in China in which every orphan is cared for and loved the way they should.

 

I want to challenge you to allow yourself to dream, allow yourself to get carried away by your passions. I believe that YOU have the potential to change the world in a radical way.

You were created to be loved.

I am a very emotional person. If you knew me, you'd know that I love hugs, I love being appreciated, I love it when people want to spend time with me, and really, I just love being loved! The days that I am most happy are the days that I have felt most loved.

I love it when my friend Marianne is willing to trek across campus in the middle of the night to hear about what I'm struggling with. 

I love it when Cassie is willing to cancel all her plans that day just so she can sit next to me and be there with me without saying a word. 

I love it when I receive letters from my friend Analisa all the way from Minnesota. 

With all this being said, it makes sense that my greatest fear is to NOT belong. I am afraid to be left out and alone. I am afraid of not being included. So, when I entered Butler University freshmen year, I joined every possible extracurricular activity I loved. I joined the NCAA Butler Swim Team, I joined Young Life, and I joined the Physician Assistant Club. Later that year, I decided to rush and become a part of Tri Delta. And the year after, I decided to become a Resident Assistant (RA). 

Joining all these organizations meant that I was a PART of something. It meant that I belonged. 

My swim team became a family to me and so did my Young Life team. 

My sisters in Tri Delta looked out for me the way a family does. 

My RA staff supported me during times when I was struggling. 

Little did I know, I think God had something more planned. Within the span of two years, I found myself needing to give up my identity as a swimmer and stop swimming on the Butler swim team. I discovered that I had stretched myself too thin, especially becoming an RA, and had to give up being a part of Tri Delta. During the process, my grades suffered and I found myself no longer qualified to continue being a Physician Assistant major. And very recently, I had to make the decision to stop being a Young Life leader in order to focus more on my studies. Next year, I will be living off campus and will no longer be an RA. 

As I think about all the things that I've had to give up over time, I remember how time and time again, I was reluctant to quit because I could not stand the thought of being on the outside. But amazingly, time and time again, I learned that my identity was not in the things I was involved in. Okay, I'm not gonna lie, it HURT to no longer be a part of those organizations. The precious relationships I had formed while I was a part of those organizations changed the second I quit--it was inevitable. 

But the greatest lesson I learned through all of this was that my identity is found in Jesus. God was trying to tell me, "Eshan, stop trying to find your identity in these activities, clubs and organizations. You belong to ME." 

When I was driving today, I was listening to the song "Lord, I'm amazed by You" and I could not stop the tears. These are the lyrics to that song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D9S86nMqaLg 

You dance over me

while I am unaware

You sing all around

But I never hear the sound.

Lord, I'm amazed by You

Lord, I'm amazed by You

Lord, I'm amazed by You

how You love me

You paint the morning sky 

With miracles in mind

My hope will always stand 

For You hold me in Your hand

How wide, how deep

How great is Your love for me

How wide, how deep

How great is Your love for me

Lord, I'm amazed by You

Lord, I'm amazed by You

Lord, I'm amazed by You 

how You love me, ohh.

I was overwhelmed because I feel like all my life, I've tried so hard to give people a reason to like me, give people a reason why I belong. Maybe if I'm funny enough, talented enough, fun enough, cool enough...they'd like me and want to hang out with me. But the cool thing about Jesus' love is that you don't have to be anything. In fact, I am everything BUT what I need to be. I am imperfect, I am unfaithful, I am selfish, I am weak, I make mistakes, I am a sinner. But Jesus sees ALL THAT and He says, "Eshan, I love YOU. I created you and you belong to me. Come and rest in my love." 

Jesus accepts me and loves me with a love that is beyond description. On days when I feel like everything is falling apart, I bring all that before Him and tell Him all about it. At the end of journaling my prayer, my heart is at peace and I receive an odd satisfaction and joy. It's WEIRD. But like the song says, "how wide, how deep, how GREAT is God's love for me." 

Friends, whenever you feel like you're not good enough or that you don't deserve to be love and cherished or you feel like you don't belong, just remember that 

You were created to be loved. 

You exist because of love. 

There is a reason why you have the amazing and unique personality you have. 

There is a reason why you laugh the way you do.

There is a reason why you have a love for the things you love. 

There is a reason why your hair looks like that on a warm, humid day. 

Someone loved you enough to craft every little detail about you. :) 

My hope and prayer is that you don't find belonging and identity in anywhere or anyone other than Jesus.

"Anyone who does not love does not know God, because

  God is love." 

-1 John 4:8

The "Unplanned"

If I could summarize my two months of 2013 in one word, it would be the word "UNPLANNED." Stepping into a new year with many goals and resolutions, I had a plan for everything. And by everything, I mean when I would wake up every morning, when I would go to bed, when I would study, when I would give myself time to read, when I would eat breakfast, lunch and dinner, and even who I ate breakfast with...etc. I hoped that with my renewed motivation, I could accomplish everything just as planned.

1. I got Shingles! I know what you're thinking, "Don't old people get that?" The answer is yes. But also, for those who have had Chicken pox before, the Chicken pox virus remains in the nerve roots of your body and could cause you to have Shingles, especially triggered by fatigue, stress, or illness. The pain was unbearable and I had to skip class and do nothing but lay in bed and watch a movie for an afternoon. This was surprising because it FORCED me to rest.

2. One weekend in late January, I had heard that my sister was having a bad week. Even though I didn't have a car, I just felt like visiting her! Sure enough, I found a way to visit her!!! :) No, I didn't get to do as much homework as I had hoped that weekend but the time together was precious and much needed. :) Oh, and DOUBLE SUPRISE! Sharon came too!!! :)

3. Every Thursday night, my unit gets together to have "Nail Painting Party!" We're girls and we love to paint and design our nails! :) Don't judge! But in my schedule, nail painting lasts from 8-10pm. But most nights, they go much much later. The conversations though, are hilarious and unforgettable. :) I love Robyn, Faith, Callie, Emily, Shelby, Mackenzie, Kim, Taylor and Mariah SOOO much for coming almost every week! It always leaves me going to bed with a smile on my face! You guys rock!

4. Sad news but also exciting news... Brad and Katelyn moved to Cleveland, OH! Brad and Katelyn have been our Sunday school or Christian Teaching and Training teachers at Redeemer Presbyterian since the middle of last semester. They served us with so much love, so much generosity, so much FOOD, and so much vulnerability! They announced that they were leaving 2 weeks before they moved! :( While it was sad to see them go, God had opened so many doors for them in Cleveland.

5. For the first time, I decided to budget my money! So with the income I received, I rationed out what I could spend and what I should keep in my savings. When Midwinter rolled around, I really wanted to go see Christina dance!! However, tickets were $17 and I simply did not have that money in my budget. So, I decided to try to get a free ticket. This was a LOT harder than I thought. That morning, I prayed REALLY hard and asked God to give me a free ticket and told Him how I was trying to budget my money! It was one hour before Midwinter and a free ticket STILL did not turn up. I wanted to just skip out on going. However, I really really wanted to support Christina! She is so so passionate about dance and this is one of the ways that I want to love her--by watching her do what she loves! I stood in line for a ticket wondering why God did not answer my prayers. Just then, a girl at the ticket booth turned around and asked everyone in line if they wanted a free ticket! MY HAND SHOT UP IN THE AIR! And just like that, I got a free ticket! And believe it or not, just as I walked into the theater, Christina's mom was right there! :) Christina danced beautifully!

6. During the most stressful week of my semester so far, Christina and I were in charge of making a faux float for the Mardi Gras celebration at Butler. We didn't think it would take too much time but it ended up taking us about 7 hours to make the float! In the process of making the float, I got to hang out in the diversity center meeting new friends! I had no idea how awesome that place was! I loved meeting and getting to know KK, Brittany, and Ciara. And also getting to hang out with Alicia and Taylor! :)

7. Over winter break, Vivian shared with me that she got an interview with Golden Apple Foundation! This is exciting because it is one step closer to getting the $25,000 scholarship, admission into the summer intensive program, and guaranteed a job at a school immediately following graduation. However, she was nervous and fearful about what the future held. We both decided we would pray about it and trust that God has something great planned for her whether she got the scholarship or not. Sadly, the interview did not go as well as she had planned. She didn't quite connect with the person who interviewed her. :( She wanted this scholarship so bad! Today, I received a phone call and SHE GOT THE SCHOLARSHIP!!!!! It was anything that we expected!! Even in our doubts and fears, we just gotta remember that, "It is good. It is VERY good." :)

I love this girl SO SO much! She is one of the hardest working people I know. She teaches with such a passionate and giving heart and she's gonna be the best teacher in Illinois! :)

9. The weekend that I was sick with Shingles, my parents and sister came to surprise visit me! :) I had hoped to just stay in and get homework done since I was on duty for Resident Assistant. But instead, it was so good being able to see my parents, stay up late talking with my sister, and just being plain GOOFY with the Pua Family! I love them SO SO much!!! They are so great for showering me with love and comfort when I need it most! (P.S. I know my brother would have come too if he wasn't impossibly far away in MN!)

10. The online application to Study Abroad for one month in the summer was having so many issues. I had filled out my section of the application a month before the deadline (February 22). However, the recommendation forms, parent agreement and release form, transfer credit approval, and adviser disciplinary check was all having problems! I was worried that if I did not have my application submitted in time, I would lose the $1,000 scholarship for the trip and risk not being able to go! It was a frantic few days of exchanging phone calls, emails, and running back and forth between the offices. But in the end, it worked out! I am officially going abroad May 10th to June 8th!!! :) So exciting!!!!!!

Needless to say, everything didn't go as I planned. Although many things happened that may have seemed devastating at first, I am grateful that even in times when I do not have it all planned out, Someone (up there) does. And I know, it's always for the better.